While You Were Sleeping

While you were sleeping, I stood at the doorway and prayed.

I noted the steady rise and fall of your chest settled into sleep’s rhythm. Your body at rest, no longer fighting against the throes of youth. Your breathing slow and calm instead of gasping from the tantrum of earlier in the day. And I asked God to nestle that peace deep inside of you. And in me.

Tiptoeing across the floor, I knelt at your bedside. I gently brushed a wayward tendril of hair from your cheek and bent to place a whisper-soft kiss on your forehead. A sign of affection less readily received or given a few hours ago when emotions raged.

While you were sleeping, my spirit settled alongside yours. And I prayed for joy to descend over us both. The day’s frustrations slipped away while I stared into your face and thanked God for this gift of you. For the precious privilege of parenthood.

I wondered at the smoothness of your brow, no longer furrowed in anger. I marveled at the cherubic face no longer tear-stained and red. And I bowed my head and prayed for forgiveness for ever taking such a miracle for granted. Or for being the cause of your tears.

While I would sacrifice my life for you in a heartbeat, I don’t as readily sacrifice my moments.

Too often, I am impatient with your constant questions. I give clipped retorts in response to your curiosity. I am frustrated at your dawdling, too intent on completing my tasks to realize I could learn much from your childlike wonder.

Instead of embracing the moments, sometimes I barely endure them.

It’s hard to be thankful for the midnight feedings when I crave a night of uninterrupted sleep.
It’s not easy to respond with grace when yet another cup of milk has slipped from toddler hands and spilled across the floor again.
It’s hard to reign in my impatience when requests to pick up toys or laundry fall on deaf ears.
It’s difficult to hold back angry words when teenage emotions are swirling with indifference.

But while you were sleeping, I gained perspective.

While you were sleeping, the quarrels of the day became distant memories. And love the present companion connecting us both.

While you were sleeping, I took note of the shortness of my days with you and prayed for the wisdom to live them well. Knowing I would not always do so. Knowing I would again be on my knees asking for grace, needing forgiveness, and these constant reminders of the blessing of being your mama.

No matter how old you are, I will always long for moments like these. Times to look upon your countenance and have my heart come undone with love for you.

And all the while, I pray you will know how deep that love is, no matter how imperfectly I impart it.

Most of all, I pray that our heavenly Father will redeem every one of my mistakes.

I know I failed you and am sure to fail you again. But while I am an imperfect parent, our God is not.

Amazingly, His grace is large enough for us both.

No matter your age, may you look to your heavenly Father and know the fullness of His love. And, in some small way, may you grasp the fullness of mine, too.

Because while you were sleeping, my love for you never was.

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This post was written in conjunction with https://fiveminutefriday.com/2022/10/27/fmf-writing-prompt-link-up-while/
Disclaimer: This week’s prompt of “while” sparked the above post, but I allowed myself more than the suggested five-minute time segment. Still, I thank Kate at FMF for the inspiration. Here’s to all the mamas out there who need a reminder of the sweet blessings you’ve been given. May you always look to the perfect Father who holds you and yours in His keeping and redeems every moment.