It’s Time to Throw in the Towel

Being exposed does not come easily to the average human. Even less so to a post-pregnant mother of five whose body has been stretched time and again beyond its seeming maximum limit.

Before I bore children, my stomach was flat, my navel a mere slit across tightened abs. I fit comfortably in the smallest-sized jeans available from the Junior clothes racks. Maintaining a low body weight was not a struggle for me. There was never any extra fat hanging around my midsection, or any other section of my body, for that matter.

But over the years, things had changed. And instead of feeling comfortable in my skin, I felt ashamed. Ashamed of losing the tiny waistline. Ashamed of the extra weight that had crept in steadily with each child’s arrival, inching the scales ever upward, and inching me toward a life of hiding.

I strategically timed showers when my husband was not home. Lights were turned off during intimacy as I attempted to hide my form from the man who loved and desired me. I unwittingly transferred my perception of myself to my husband’s eyes, assuming he viewed me with the same contempt that I saw myself. How could he not be disappointed that the wife of his youth had become something more than he had chosen — in all the wrong ways?

And so I hid.

Until the day of my undoing that collided with my mistimed shower . . .

Unbeknownst to me, my husband had come home early from work, and as I stepped out of the shower, he simultaneously stepped through the bathroom doorway. Scrambling to throw my towel about myself, I was surprised by my husband’s hands tugging it from my grasp. “Don’t,” he said, holding the towel away from my body and out of my reach. “Why are you always hiding from me? Honey, you are the mother of my children, and I think you’re beautiful. Why isn’t that enough?”

Why isn’t that enough?

As I look back on that memory, I wonder why I couldn’t receive that love and acceptance as freely as it was given. After all, it was probably one of the most romantic statements uttered by my husband in our entire married life. But all I remember feeling was shame and embarrassment as I literally begged for the towel so I could cover myself.

And hide with bowed head and a hopeless heart, much like my predecessor Eve.

The truth was, I didn’t know how to stand exposed and feel unashamed. Despite my husband’s affirming words, I didn’t think I was beautiful. I didn’t believe I was worthy of being chosen, and I feared that if I continued to fall short, then I would be deemed unlovable.

My skewed eyesight tainted my vision.

Although I couldn’t receive the truth of my husband’s love at that moment, little did I realize how profoundly that exchange would nestle into my heart throughout the years ahead. Or how often God would bring it to my remembrance when I was struggling in my relationship with Him, too.

Sadly, many of you can probably relate to my feelings of self-loathing. Or disappointment. Or insecurities. Negative emotions attack us daily. In nearly every relationship we have. We struggle with the thought that we are not good enough. Not pretty enough. Not smart enough. Not competent enough. And on the flip side of that is the struggle that perhaps we are too much. Too intimidating. Too loud. Too opinionated. Too large.

Never. Just. Right.

But there is one relationship that doesn’t have to suffer the fate of this tumultuous cycle. If you are a believer in Jesus, then you are loved just as you are. With all your flaws. All your too-muchness and not-enoughness. All your doubts and desires to be something other than you appear to be.

Darling, the only thing about you that is flawed is your vision.

When we avoid bringing our authenticity to God, we are not trying to hide from Him, but rather ourselves. It comes from needing to prove to everyone just how good and worthy we are. Except we know the truth of the matter — we are not good or worthy.

And so we hide.

What’s so ridiculous about all of this is that God sees everything anyway. Nothing escapes His sight. We’re trying to hide our true selves from the One who knows everything about us, Who sees us more clearly than we do ourselves.

I daresay I’m not the only one who has a curious habit of attempting to avoid exposure when approaching God.  Maybe it’s because we’ve been trained to always look our best, especially when it comes to things of a religious nature. While this inclination may provide us with some flawed sense of security, hiding creates a barrier to real transformation.

If you want to have an authentic relationship with God, you’re going to have to get naked.

Invite God in. Let Him see you. All of you. Just as you are. This is where renewal begins — in being vulnerable and exposed. And as we allow God to do a deep work of healing in us, we will be changed. Transformed and yet more ourselves than we’ve ever allowed ourselves to be.

Not only will you experience God’s deep love for you as you gently open yourself to Him, but the depth of your love for God will also become apparent in your surrender. As you yield your vulnerable self, you will discover a beauty birthed in trust and begin to become comfortable in Father’s unfailing love. You will understand that you were created to shine His love in ways that only you can and use the talents He gave you to be a blessing to others.

Even when you feel you have nothing to give. Or wish you could give something else besides what you have to offer.

You. Are. Enough.

Your beauty is not contingent upon your jean size, your bank account, or your profession. It rests in your relationship with the Divine. God’s Spirit in you is what makes the beauty spill out in uncontainable ways and blesses the lives of those around you.

You don’t have to look in the mirror and admire what you see with temporal eyes to assess your value because that is only skimming the surface of who you are. The real beauty is soul deep. And it comes from the Creator of Heaven and Earth and the makings of you.

Much like my husband appealed to me those many years ago, our Lord pleads with us to trust His love. Trust His eyes that see the good in you overshadowing your weaknesses. Come to Him with your struggles. Expose the sin that creeps into your heart, and ask for Father’s forgiveness. Then accept His forgiveness and walk in it — freely.

Trust that He loves you for who you are, spiritual stretch marks and all.

There’s no need to hide from the One who sees all of you and loves you still. His love is enough. It is unconquerable. Limitless. And without fail. The question is: Will you choose to believe it?

It’s past time to throw in the towel and accept that you are beautiful. Because you are, dear one. You are.

Naked.

Unashamed.

Unafraid.

And wholly loved.

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FOR REFLECTION

Do you ever find yourself hiding in your relationships, or are you content in your skin?

Are you comfortable approaching God just as you are? Why or why not?

What lies have you believed about yourself that are contrary to what the Bible says about you?

What steps will you take today to begin to apply truth to your life and walk in the beauty you have been gifted to share with the world?

God’s love is enough, beloved . . . And so are you.